Recently in friendly advice Category

I've been thinking lately about the expression, and the book title, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." I agree with that. But that does not mean small stuff is not important. Wherever we happen to find ourselves in life is typically not the result of one or a handful of big decisions, but a series of many small decisions.

For example: hoarding. I doubt that any person wakes up in the morning and says, "Hey, I'd like to live in a trash pile." The image we all have of a house inhabited by a hoarder is the result of many small decisions by the hoarder not to let go of things. On a less extraordinary level, a cluttered coffee table or a full sink is the result of several small decisions in the moment immediately after one eats to not clean up after oneself.

The exciting flipside is that what we consider to be the images of success -- be it financial or social or spiritual success, or all of these -- are also the result of a series of small decisions, made day after day. Decisions like whether to clean up after ourselves or put it off until next time. To watch TV or to keep working. To play Angry Birds before I go to sleep or to pray. To sleep in or go to class. To respond to setbacks by pitying oneself or by looking for opportunities within adversity. To respond to difficult people in kind or with kindness. To speak or to listen. To be restrained or to lash out.

These are not huge decisions. They're small ones. And we shouldn't sweat them, because sweating won't help us make the right decisions. But that doesn't mean they are not important.

Our interior spiritual life is like that coffee table. I have to ask myself constantly: How cluttered is it in there? How many embarrassments and hurt feelings and mea culpas over things I did or that happened to me years ago do I carry around in there instead of letting go? And what kinds of better things, how many friendships and moments of appreciation, do I miss because my mind is too crowded with grudges and complaints? Choosing to carry those things around, too, is not a big decision. It is a series of small decisions made day after day.

But that's great news. Because tomorrow we can make a small decision to let go, to clean off the coffee tables of our souls. It doesn't have to happen on a mountain top. Our souls are more beautiful than mountains. Small decisions that happen in small places in enough small moments over enough small days can lead to great happiness, for ourselves and our loved ones. Whoever is trustworthy in small things, is trustworthy in larger things also.

By the way I do not have a problem with Angry Birds. Actually I really enjoy it. It's just better to put it down sometimes.

So the missus and I just got back from our honeymoon in Italy, specifically Rome and Florence. It was my first time overseas. It is a trip I would absolutely make again. We had a fantastic time. The places and sights were incredible.

Before I get into that, though, I feel the need to let you, dear reader, know a few things about the general Roman sight-seeing experience itself. If you've been there already, then you already know what I'm about to say. If not, lend me your reading eyes.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "All Italian drivers are crazy -- including me." That was the guy driving Terri and me to the train station in Rome to head for Florence. He spoke the best English Terri and I heard all week from a European, all while zipping through the insane road system of Rome.

And yes, those roads are crazy. Anyone who google maps Rome will see that it is clearly not a grid system. Imagine taking a bunch of uncooked spaghetti noodles of varying lengths and throwing them onto a table. That is Rome's road system. There is, in my experience, nothing in Rome like Austin's Lamar or Houston's Westheimer. The closest thing may be the Fori Imperiali, which connects the Colosseum and the Roman Forum -- although even that stretch of road can be a crapshoot. In Rome, there is basically no such thing as following this road or that "all the way until you get" ... anywhere. Often you will follow a road for a little while and then it will become five roads.

I tell you this not to discourage you, but to urge you to enjoy the experience of getting lost in Rome. Because believe me, if you try to walk everywhere -- say, from the Trevi Fountain to St. Paul's Basilica, you will get lost. You will walk outside and have no idea which way is north. You will ask a native for directions. (Remember this phrase: "Doe-VAH lay" meaning "where is...") He or she will give you directions. You will follow those directions to the best of your ability as a reasonable, thinking person. It won't matter. Five minutes later you will not know where you are and will ask someone else for directions.

Don't get mad when that happens. Embrace the obliteration of your inner compass! Find a nice gelatteria and everything will be all right. You may have a hard time finding the Colosseum, but you won't have a hard time finding gelatto, or authentic Italian pizza. Both are everywhere.

What you won't find is a free parking spot. (Not that it will matter for you. You will be walking, cabbing, or busing everywhere.) Almost every road is lined in full with parallel parked cars. Double parking is commonplace. Driveways will be partially blocked. Some of them will have their passenger-side wheels on the curb. Or the driver side wheels. That's another thing. You know how in the United States all the parallel cars have to face the same direction? Not in Italy. In fact, you will come across Smart Cars that are parked perpendicular to the curb. AND THEY FIT.

Oh and let's not forget the scooters. Those are parked just everywhere. Along the sidewalk. ON the sidewalk. Up in the trees, practically. Almost always closely packed together. They are the sardines of Roman roads.

(If you absolutely do not want to get lost, your best bet is to take a cab. Yeah, it costs a bit. The starting fare is EU2.80, and it will go up ten cents every 30 seconds or so. But in my mind it's worth it just to get where you know you want to go next. If not that, you can learn the bus system.)

But to return to our masterful English-speaking driver's observation -- Italian drivers are crazy. I know in America we call the learning process "defensive" driving. I doubt that's what they call it in Italy.

In Italy, it doesn't really matter what the speed limit is. If you have 20 meters of empty asphault in front of you, you floor it for 19 and a half. That's just how it works. The white lines that mark the asphault, be they dotted or solid, really are just guidelines there. You will see massive circular turnarounds that have absolutely no lane demarkation.

What we in America refer to as "cutting someone off" happens in Italy all the time. If there is more than one car-length between two cars, that space will be filled by a merging vehicle. Italian's have amazing depth perception. They have the ability to drive 45, 50 miles per hour, literally inches away from pedestrians.

But Italian drivers, as far as Terri and I could tell, are not ANGRY. Crazy, yes, but not angry. In America, we get angry when we get behind the wheel. We take offense to someone else cutting us off. I know I do. But not Italians. We heard from multiple people there that Italians don't believe in "lines," in the right of getting somewhere first just because you were on the road first. Nope. In America, we have this sense of "I was here first, and you have no right to cut in front of me," a first-come first-serve mentality. Not there. It's much more, to use Eddie Izzard's words, "relaxed and groovy."

Yes, a strange dichotomy. Crazy on one hand, but relaxed and groovy on the other. Crazy in the way they drive, but relaxed and groovy in the way they respond when other people drive the same way they do. In some ways it is less hypocritical than the way of driving I encounter in my native country -- and yes, sometimes practice myself. What right do I, driving crazy, have to expect others to drive reasonably? I hope to never drive the way Italians do. But I hope I can imitate them in responding to other drivers.

I'm getting married in thirty days.

...

Sorry I had to read that sentence a few times before moving on.

My fiancé and I have been engaged to be married since late last year. I had been told by a recently married couple early on that as the time approached, we would get antsier and antsier. "Let's just get hitched already!" we would say.

Well, they were correct. I'm ready to be Terri's husband and I don't want to wait any longer. I don't even want to wait five minutes.

But I can't help remembering St Paul's words: "Love is patient."

Patience isn't just about learning to wait it out. It's about learning to make the most out of the time you have to wait. In my earlier life I did not think it would take until my 29th year to get married.

But God wanted me to do some things during those years that I could not have done had I married at 21 or 22. And I like to think I did at least some of them.

Moreover, had I forced myself to get married back then, I would have completely missed out on Terri, whom I didn't even know back then. That's why we must rely on God's timing. Because he is the only one who KNOWS the timing.

But I digress.

Too many people spend their lives just waiting, saying "Someday, someday my dream will come." Don't.

Live. The way God wants you to live. You and I have zero days to wait before we can live our lives where we are to the absolute full.

If I had spent the last 29 years just waiting for God to bless me, not seeking his will in my life, I think I would have a lot longer to wait today.

Now, all I have to do is figure out what he would like me to do with the next 30 days. And I better. Or I might lose my mind.

Last night Terri and I went to the movies. It was there that I realized ...

If you're on a date, the best place to sit in a movie theater is directly behind two short people. Because nothing is more irritating than a giant cranium rising like a black hole sun into the horizon of the screen. But if you can find two short people to sit behind, there is a one hundred percent chance that that will not happen.

***

Before the movie started, there was a commercial for 3D televisions. During it, Terri remarked to me: "It would make me nauseous to watch stuff in 3D all the time."

I replied: "But dear, we see stuff in 3D all the time."

She remained silent for a few seconds, before replying: "Shut up."

It's nice to win one every now and then.

***

The film Terri and I watched, by the way, was Toy Story 3. Terri and Mark give it two thumbs way up. I say it is the funniest and most suspenseful of the three, with a truly Mission Impossible-esque storyline. Great fun.

Came across this passage from Hebrews Chapter 3, verse 13 while praying the Divine Office this morning:

Encourage yourselves daily while it is still "today," so that none of you may grow hardened by the deceit of sin.

It reminded me of that Kris Allen song "Live Like We're Dying," which is basically about not waiting before you say or do something really important to or for a loved one. The song definitely has a Christian element to it, about how we never know when the end is going to meet us face to face, and we need to always make sure we are reconciled with others.

Encouragement does not only mean "affirmation," telling someone he or she is doing a good job. It can also include telling someone that he or she is capable of doing better.

None of us, in this life, will ever reach a point where we cannot be any holier than we are at the present time. There will always be something more we can give to God. There will always be a way for us to grow closer to Him, to invite Him more into our hearts. There will always be some aspect of our lives in which we can be more like Jesus. That is a good thing, not a bad thing.

Think about who in your life needs to hear that.

Because the key is not to beat ourselves up for not being better than we are now, but to encourage each other to grow.

I recently visited my good friend and priest Father J. I don't recall how the subject of washing the dishes came up, but Fr. J made a wise suggestion:

Do them by hand.

Only use the machine for parties.

I have begun to do this in my own life. And you know what? It's awesome! I actually enjoy washing the dishes by hand. I finish washing the dishes and I say, "There must be more dirty dishes somewhere!"

I've been doing my fiance's dishes every night. I even did my roommate's dishes just now. He wasn't even home! (Yeah dude, if you're reading this, that was me.)

I just feel a greater sense of accomplishment when I wash the dishes by hand. Screw machines! I'm about to get married and start my own family. I ought to get used to working with my hands.

Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh actually wrote about the importance of washing the dishes:

While washing the dishes one should only be washing the dishes, which means that while washing the dishes one should be completely aware of the fact that one is washing the dishes. At first glance this might seem a little silly: why put so much stress on a simple thing? But that's precisely the point. The fact that I am standing there and washing these bowls is a wondrous reality. I'm being completely myself, following my breath, conscious of my presence, and conscious of my thoughts and actions. There's no way I can be tossed around mindlessly like a bottle slapped here and there on the waves.

There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first way is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second way is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes.

If while we are washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as they were a nuisance, then we are not 'washing the dishes to wash to wash the dishes.' What's more we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes....If we can't washes the dishes, chances are we won't be able to drink our tea either.

In other words, enjoy every moment, no matter how mundane it might seem. Washing the dishes by hand is great practice for this.

Apparently there are some naybobs out there who say washing the dishes by hand wastes water. Pish posh, I say! There are ways to save water when washing dishes by hand, and even among the enviros, the question is not completely settled. Eco-friendly ways of handwashing dishes would consist basically of running the water only when you are rinsing the dish. Simple enough.

At any rate, I have thoroughly enjoyed the new practice and highly recommend it to anyone who hates loading and unloading the machine. Wash, rinse, put away, done!

Let's ask ourselves: How many times in a day do I say the words "thank you," either to another person or to God? How far into the day do I get before that happens?

Do I react to the morning alarm with thankfulness that I am alive and in sufficient good health to get out of bed? If not, perhaps that sets the tone for and colors the way I approach everything else in my day -- traffic, the job, the news, other people, etc.

Being thankful is a challenge because it is sometimes too obvious. There's stuff to be thankful for everywhere. The breath in our lungs, the people we love, the trees breaming green beneath a cloudless sky on a good day, or the rain that cools us off. But our cynical side may encourage us to simply roll our eyes and dismiss it. What's so great about being in sufficient good health to get out of bed? If you're consciously thanking God for that, all that means is you don't have anything particularly great to thank Him for.

On the contrary, if we do not thank God for the smallest of gifts (I would argue that sufficient good health is quite a marvelous gift, but anyway), we will never recognize the great gifts when they are given.

Thankfulness has to begin from the moment of consciousness in the morning. For consciousness is itself a gift. When I experience it, I should thank God for it. When you wake up, say "Thank you, Lord, for ..." You may not even know what for immediately. You may be half awake as it is. That's okay. It will come to you.

Think about the number of people in this world who respond to their alarm clocks by uttering some profanity. "Son of a b--, shut up clock," etc. How would you prefer to wake up in the morning? The sad thing is many people aren't even aware that they have a choice. That's right. A choice.

Anger and cynicism are not involuntary muscle spasms. They are decisions we make at every moment that we grumble and criticize and dismiss. Real happiness and thankfulness are not the products of brainwashing. They are decisions we make every time we allow some little thing, or some great God, to make us smile inwardly, and outwardly.

It's a choice. Between waking up and spouting swear words and waking up immediately saying "Thank you," immediately setting the tone for our whole day.

If you haven't done it before, or if it's been a while, try it, and see what happens.

Thank you for reading. *high five*

If God has blessed you with something that makes you very happy, do not question it. You may be tempted to ask yourself whether you deserve it, or if it is too good to be true. The answers: It doesn't matter, and no it isn't.

And if you are not sure that God has given you something that makes you very happy, ask yourself if that may be because you are questioning it. And if you are, stop.

If you strongly believe that God has not given you anything that makes you very happy, consider the risks that God has called you to take recently, and ask yourself whether you have taken them. There is no search for happiness that does not involve some level of risk. That's why it is called "faith." And if our faith is firmly in Him, no step taken in faith will be too risky.